Groundlessness - Xmas gift 6 (boy)

My heart is so full.

My sister was wed to a wonderful man last weekend. You can check out her incredible wedding here, along with some shots of the shawls I knit for the bridesmaids. (I am especially wary of stealing photography from a photographer's website.) I spent the weekend aching under the weight of fierce nostalgia for my sister, happiness for their perfect match, loneliness among the thick friendships of her maids, envy for her glamorous looks, and deep shame for my dumpy appearance. I wore a dress four sizes larger than the wedding dress I wore in April 2008. I'm like a sad cliche: the girl who gets married and blows up like a balloon because she no longer cares. I felt cut open and raw from all the frank reality, made worse by the strict documentation conducted by her three photographers.

This week, I told everyone at my job that I'm leaving. Jake got back his LSAT scores, and it looks like we're aiming within the top 30 law schools; none are located in the Dallas metro. I thought it would be exhilirating and freeing to do so. Instead, I now waiver between feeling like a traitor and footnote.

I have no idea where we're going. I have no clue where I'm going to work or even what type of school I'd like to work in. We don't know whether Jake will be able to work at all during year one. I don't know how much of a downsizing of our family income I should anticipate.

Lupron injections have finally been approved by my insurance company to treat my endo, but now I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid to give up. Even for six months.

My favorite stapler is broken.

At least I have knitting.

Pattern: "Over the Rainbow Scarf," by Claire Compton, available in The Knitter's Bible: Knitted Accessories
Yarn: Ella Rae Jaspe Wool (2)
Needle: US10 straights
Mods: slipped the first stitch of every row p-wise to make a pretty selvedge

Plus: Super-easy commuter piece. I seriously knit the whole thing at red lights and drive-throughs during the two weeks before Xmas. The Jaspe was a nice alternative to the Noro Iro, and the swap saved me about $15.

Delta: The wool is just slightly itchy. I also wish I had cast on a few more stitches to make the scarf about half an inch wider.

1 comment:

  1. I'll be sorry to see you leave us.. but sometimes the wind just blows you places, you know? At least you can take your stash with you!